Stevie Martyn's World

I've Got To Find Me!

2010-08-18T17:20:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been working on finding myself. I know it sounds pretty odd, but I'm turning 18 in 27 days and I feel that somethings I grew up likely I've lost the interest. My music interest has changed and broadened, the style clothes I wear have been changing, television is becoming more a part of my life as I find new shows that interest me, I've been back and forth on what I want to do after I graduate high school. Do I want to attend a community college then start working a job that pays under $50k? Do I want to attend community college and then later work my way up to a full 4-year college (which will be just more expensive and more school work!)? Do I want to go to a Vocational School or get some type of diploma/certificate that will allow me to work a job that pays around $20,000-$30,000/year and with that either continuing education later, or discontinue education for good? I still want to act professional. Should I just try to start there and then maybe I can work my way up to afford an education in the future?

I want to talk more in-depth about this whole, me wanting to act! Growing up I always thought about the "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question. No one had to ask me, because I thought about it all the time. I wanted to be a teacher, a radio host, the president, a web developer, a game developer, a writer, a psychologist, a lawyer, etc. The one thing I always wanted to be throughout all that is an actor. I understand how tough it is to make that out of a career. If there is something I've wanted to do for many years while my mind changes quickly on other things, I think I should go for it. I've been told that it isn't as stable of a job, you might not get far, you don't seem like you really know what you're trying to get yourself into. I know that there is stuff I'm not fully aware of, but I know that this is my passion. Do I have many years of training already? No, but I'm willing to get that. Am I just completely a natural? I don't believe so, but I am willing to work on it as much if not greater than other actors.
It scares me so much thinking about going into this. I think about how I could be jobless and struggle, because I didn't follow the path of 4+ years in college. I think about how I will dream to get farther, but will not get their because of who I am. I don't think I'm attractive and the fact that I'm 50/50 biracial to two total differing races makes me believe even more that I couldn't stand a chance of ever getting the roles I want. Sure some people are lucky and have things changed or they're written in, but that person has to stand out. Back on the whole unattractive thing, I don't want to be like the 'You got the role because you fit the ugliness we're looking for'. Though Hollywood typically has an attractive actor/actress playing an unattractive person. This is what I think about and more constantly.

Something else I've thought about more in the back-burner for the past few years is doing stuff around law. I don't think I could ever be a lawyer nor do I want to be one anymore, but if I could do something like forensic science or forensic psychology or really anything around those things; I'd consider something like that. I think if I go through acting something in what I just mentioned is what I was to fall back on. I know I'll need a job when I'm not getting much done in acting. I know I want to do things other than acting.
Another thing that I recently thought about was nursing. This one scares me, because I just recently considered it and I'm about to graduate high school. I'm not sure about doing something that would take more than 5 years of school. I've already endured about 12 years, I would rather not go on to 20. Plus it's just that medical stuff has never been my interest. I didn't want to be a doctor when I was a kid. Sure I said psychology, but that was a few years ago and a different route. If I took this nursing route I'd be one of those nurses that assist ill patients and other stuff. That's never interested me before. Then again I could work my way up to getting a good salary. I mean I could get a diploma in no time and get to RN after getting licensed. If it's something that I feel closer to I could endure more years of schooling and become a practitioner.

With all that said even though acting is my absolute passion, I still don't know what to do with myself. The only thing I know about myself is that I love acting, singing, watching tv, hanging out sometimes, dancing sometimes, I have a broad variety of interest in music, movies and television shows, some of the other stuff I mentioned earlier that interest me, and stuff like that. Yeah, I wish I could say I'm interested in sports. I wish I could say I went out all the time and hung out with friends. I wish I could say that I know exactly what I'm doing in my life. I wish I could have a lot of what I want. I need to find myself more. What's my favorite band? I don't know! What's my favorite tv show? I don't know! What's my favorite movie? I don't know! I just don't know myself enough and I hate it. Come the moment I turn 18, I think it's time to completely reinvent myself and find more things about myself and experience them live and present rather than thinking to much about past and future.

Your Love Is My Drug!

2010-07-30T00:26:00.002-04:00

So this year has been a bit different for me. It just seems like I haven't had many crushes lately. Honestly until recently I don't think I had any this year. I've just been so lonely this year. More than usual. I miss having someone to talk to and be there for/with me. I don't know him well, but I can't help but to develop feelings! I guess it's a waste. I mean he lives too far away and he's too young. It's already gotten to the point where I feel empty when he's not on/talking to me. I don't know what to do! Is it worth continuing this only to feel this way? I need an answer. I feel my heart beating faster. I can tell a part of me feels happier.
I've been on that forum almost 2 months now. No one on there has given me any bit of time. He's actually talking to me and isn't like many of the other guys. I kind of wonder if it's too good to be true. Well of course it is, because it just leads no where! What if there's more to it? I've had my heart pounded on before by idiots. What if this was just another one of those just getting off on messing people up? I just wish I could have someone. I wish that someone lived near me. I wish that person loved me as much as I loved them. <3

Done.

2010-07-20T19:01:00.002-04:00

I've decided to delete all my facebook accounts. I know strange to have more than one, or even two for certain reasons. I actually had a few. I just feel there isn't much use for facebook for me right now. I haven't been using it as much, but I just feel it's just brought no good. (nor bad really) I'd like to start my new life, but maybe right now isn't the best time, but then again what good is holding on to old stuff right? I'm thinking maybe I should find a different social network once I feel I'm ready to start a whole new life.

Nice and short one.

:)
Err,
Peace.

Depression? Personality Disorder? ANTISOCIAL?! blahhh :|

2010-07-16T06:01:00.003-04:00

Feel free to skim or just discontinue reading. :)

I've always felt different growing up. (No this doesn't really have anything to do with my sexuality!) As long as I can remember I've been distanced from crowds. In my kindergarten days I would play by myself. Can you believe that? Social interaction is supposed to be a part of it. I don't even remember it being by choice. I just remember there being these stations of different toys and games. (Here comes my early on obvious sign of homosexuality! :gay: :P jk!) I remember being alone playing with those shoulder & up dolls where you do their hair. I can't remember the teacher or if there was any sign that she'd have anything against me. This is something that makes me wonder if it's a huge contributer to why I am who I am. (Nothing about my sexuality though. The whole doll thing was not new to me! :gay: ) I can't help but feel like she intentionally (my teacher) isolated me from everyone else. .
I moved schools half way through and the transition seems like it wouldn't be so bad, but it was just strange for me. I remember not being social there too. However I also remember playing with other people. The class was bigger and the teacher actually worked on getting everyone to know each other. I recall even having one of those "little kindergarteners trying to be grown having girlfriends/boyfriends"..
As the years went by I felt myself being even more reserved. Classes got smaller, friends moved or were in different classes. I never was given the opportunity to socialize outside of school (other than family) growing up the majority of my childhood life.

I remember in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade I had these sort of out-lashes. (I guess that'd be what they're called.) I seriously felt that was the kind of kid to never do wrong, so when I would actually get in trouble I would lash out in some way.
-3rd grade; I can't remember much. I just remember the teacher telling me to leave the room. I just started yelling and ran out crying. I never can remember (even afterwards) what actually happened.
-4th grade; I also do not remember much about this one. I just know that I hated this teacher. She was one of those always yelling kind of teachers. She told me to get out so I did so and slapped that door so hard a peice broke off. :rolleyes: I remember that and this like it was yesterday. As I walked out I just yelled at the top of my lungs random BS. A teacher came out telling me how inappropriate that was and how much I was going to be in trouble.
-5th grade; This grade the stupid school transferred a bunch of students including me into a new school. There were a lot of kids and teachers I'd never seen before so it was awkward for me. However I was determined to be more social. The teacher was in the middle of a letcure when someone was talking(whispering) to me. I mouthed out "what?" and she told me to get out of the classroom. (Teachers sure do/did a lot of that. :/) I was pissed and again yelled at her; explaining how I wasn't the one talking. Blah-blah-blah (Don't we all claim that?) Though I kind of wasn't..
After having 3 outlashes my mom took me to some counselor/therapist. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be permanent, but I was only there one day. I guess she realized it was too pricy or something? Yeh so the only thing I remember from that is some lady telling me to go outside and yell whenever I got angry. (Like that does any good.)

Originally I lived with my grandmother. At the age of 10 I was forced to move with my mother after years of agruing with my grandmother over stupid stuff. This move was far for me. I had to move to North Carolina. It somewhat felt like a different world. People just seemed different. Plus it was around that time when people change from age. (Preteen/Teen years blehh!) I didn't start talking to anyone at my new school until a couple days before I left yet again. I left a couple of months to finish school in SC while my mother was on a business trip. So I was back to my old school and it was even more awkward for some reason. I was completely quiet. Then on to 6th grade back in NC it got worse. I only talked to a couple of people the entire year. I moved again to another school and had to meet new people. This time it felt more like a lot of people talking to me out of pity. Blah blah. Got in some drama, hated it! blah blah. 8th grade I seriously talked to no one. It was the most horrible year of my entire life.

As high school came things changed a little. I decided to take Theatre Arts. Acting is my passion and it is also something to help me be more social. It has actually helped some. I've become more social and open with other people. I just feel there isn't that great of a progress after 3 years. :/ I also joined chorus and its even greater. I told myself things would completely change in high school. I feel like I'm still some anti-social freak. :( I don't know what much hope I have. So in my conclusion to this I say that after I am able to be financial stable on my own and have the time I will see about diagnosis for any issues I have. Maybe even some therapy would be nice.
Really I'd like to just make change over night after I turn 18. I am sort of considering my 18th birthday my re-birth. I want to wipe out my past of a lot of things and just have a fresh start. A new me with a new attitude and just me being who I want to be. I'm not what people want to think of an anti-social. It isn't that I hate social things and social people. I want to be involved in it for heaven sakes. Nothing would please me more than to have a group of people that care for me and that I can just hang out with.

Err Peace!

P.S. Oh well here is the symptoms list that I was looking over.

Feelings of sadness or unhappiness - Sometimes I get that feeling out of no where for no reason.

Irritability or frustration, even over small matters - Things bother me easily.

Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities - I used to be energetic and want to do things.. now I don't so much.

Reduced sex drive - Haha sex just isn't on my mind as much as before lately.

Insomnia or excessive sleeping - Sometimes (like now) I'll stay up all night and even all day. Sometimes I'll sleep most of the day.

Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain - That pretty much states how it has been for me lately. blehh i used to be a pig.. now I can't be. It might have to deal more so of the fact that financially I can't get all I could get before and now I just don't have as big an appetite.

Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still - Ahh omg! I have a problem with thinking a lot and not doing actual productive things, but I will just randomally pace around the house. I also hate being still.

Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements - Sometimes I'll be in the middle of doing something and will just blackout for a second and jump right into whatever I was doing. The process is kinda slow-fast.

Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort - omg is so true, but them again I don't get proper nutrition so that might explain that. I'm tired just from typing this crap... (Why am I doing it? IDK!)

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right - I have seriously spent hours before yelling at myself over my failures and how I always screw up. :/ It isn't like its an everyday thing, but yeh it happens.

Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide - I haven't felt this way in the past few years, but a while ago I did. :X Will not go into detail about that.

Crying spells - Not so much... but I have just cried out of nowhere before. :/

Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches - Back pain/neck pain would probably be from poor posture habitats and a terrible bed. Headaches aren't that frequent. Well maybe a little lately. :/

also
Symptoms in adolescents and teens may include anxiety, anger and avoidance of social interaction.
Changes in thinking and sleep are common signs of depression in adolescents and adults, but are not as common in younger children.
In children and teens, depression often occurs along with behavior problems and other mental health conditions, such as anxiety or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Multi-Personality Symptoms

Frequent mood swings - Not really frequent, but I would say I have them.

Stormy relationships - I suppose so.

Social isolation - Without a doubt.

Angry outbursts - Yes. My blog entry explains some of it, but doesn't tell everything! :x

Suspicion and mistrust of others - Yes. I have a list of things that run through my mind when around people. yuck!

Difficulty making friends - I am socially awkward. :/ Yikes!

A need for instant gratification - Isn't everyone?

Poor impulse control - I wouldn't say so much? IDK maybe somewhat?

Alcohol or substance abuse - Alcohol yuck!

I could go on, but I will not. There are many more symptoms. It just seems odd how I have like a 99.9% rate of having some of these symptoms. (Got from Mayoclinic.com)

Again,
Peace!